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If you are a parent involved in divorce
proceedings, certainly feelings of sadness,
anxiety and anger have crept into
your life. Like most parents, you want to protect
your kids from marital discord, but you
may be wondering how to make the process
amicable. After all, the marriage might be
over, but the co-parenting relationship is not.
“Mediation is a
positive way for parents
to work together
on behalf of their children,”
explains
Attorney Diane
Mader, Mader Law.
“In mediation, parents
work together to create
a new, viable coparenting
team and
the divorce becomes a
future-focused, problem-
solving process,” she continues.
A trained mediator walks divorcing parents
through decisions regarding the creation
of two homes, a placement plan and financial
plan. Mader explains, “As a neutral, supportive
problem-solver, the mediator helps parents
keep parenting so children can continue
to be children.”
Diminish hostility
The value of having someone smooth the
path in your divorce is clear, explains
Margaret Lambert, MSW, LCSW, partner
with Sonas Behavioral Health Group.
“Through the many people I’ve counseled,
it’s clear that the children do about as well as
the parents.” While the divorce process may
be a struggle, Lambert differentiates that children do not have to
suffer.
To increase civility
and diminish feelings
of hostility, Lambert
strongly suggests
parental involvement
with a divorce or separated
group. “This
way parents can bring
their emotions to the
group and keep it
away from the kids.
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Plus, the group can
offer advice on changing your approach to
one that puts the children first,” she says.
Learning to forgive your spouse is a critical
step to healing emotionally and it also
frees children from feeling trapped in the
middle, wondering who to support. In order
to be successful co-parents, former spouses
must turn into “cooperative colleagues”
where, Lambert offers, “You put the value
and success of the children above your desire
to win or be right.”
Children’s issues
Even in the most amicable situations,
children experiencing divorce struggle with
some general issues, but the child’s behavior
changes based on age and emotional development.
Expect children to feel grief and loss over
the divorce, says Lambert. This includes loss
of a predictable schedule, possible loss of a
home and loss of free access to both parents.
Infants through school-age children crave
routine and predictability, so parents should
work to deliver consistent care. Meanwhile, teenagers may need less routine but may
blame themselves for the divorce or struggle
to understand complex adult relationships.
Children also keenly feel the tug of loyalty
and may be conflicted over whom to help
or support. Lambert says it is crucial that
parents remain parents and do not allow children
to step in and problem-solve. Schoolaged
children may act out, thus redirecting
the focus or become withdrawn due to an
increase in anxiety. Teens, with a sharpened
sense of right and wrong, find themselves
thrown in the middle of loyalty issues.
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Parents should seek other adults or counseling
groups to discuss their problems and
anxiety, Lambert reiterates.
Parents also need to clearly set communication
boundaries. Tempting though it may
be to rant about your spouse or confide about
your new dating life, your child is not the
appropriate recipient. After all, Lambert
notes, “The child is not your spouse.”
Finances and children
Finally, children may suffer the financial
consequences of divorce by having to cut
back on activities, moving to a smaller home
or sharing an increase in housework.
“Discussing a financial plan in advance,”
says Mary Schwartz,
Symphonic financial
advisor, “avoids ongoing
fighting.”
Schwartz advises
families to take several
months to adjust to the
new cash flow to
ensure you can provide
the basics without
financially overextending
yourself. At
the onset of the
divorce process,
Schwartz says it is “important to have the
complete financial picture, including an
understanding of assets, debits, how bills are
paid and even a credit report on yourself.”
From there, parents need to ensure their
household has an emergency fund before
moving on to other planning. Planning ahead
financially may make things less disruptive
and stressful for adults and children alike,
Schwartz says.
Divorce is a complicated ending to a
“relationship that wasn’t working,” Mader
says, “but mediation helps provide a transformation
to two good co-parenting homes.”
Angela Mihm Nigro is a Madison-area freelance
writer and mom.
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